So it’s almost Valentines day, where couples profess their love for each other and it’s even more socially acceptable to be doing couple-y things in public and it’s super cute and stuff.
For the rest of us (myself included) who live in perpetual loneliness 100% of the time, it’s sickening. Like, why the hell am I supposed to care about your relationship today of all days? Also, I don’t like seeing my couple-friends on a regular day, let alone Valentines day!
BUT FEAR NOT! For I have compiled a list of super-fun-fool-proof things to do alone on Valentines day! (Don’t say I don’t do anything for you guys!)
NB: This is parodical. If you’re looking for real helpful advice I’d say go out and actually find yourself a person instead of looking on wordpress for tips on picking up girls, you’re not getting that here.
1. Convince people that they’re just products of capitalist societies. And drink their beverages. At the same time.
There’s nothing quite as satisfactory as telling people that no one cares about them besides themselves. Majority of the time your doe-eyed companions will be too dazed to understand that you’re criticising their current life choices but don’t let it stop you. Drink their nicest coffee, while you’re at it.
2.Deny your perpetually everlasting loneliness
You’re not lonely! You have yourself and honestly, there’s no one better for you than you. You’re never gonna wake up one day and say you don’t love yourself anymore (unless you’re Madonna – did you see her grammy outfit?) and you’re always there to marathon Gossip Girl with yourself!
3. Buy things you really don’t need and waste money in general
Linking with number 2, the best way to profess your love to you is by buying nice things. Because treat yo’ self. That is all.
4. Justify your flaws to random people you don’t know.
There must be reasons why people think you’re unattractive, right? I mean, I know you’re basically Beyoncé but why are other people not seeing it? You need to go to them and explain to them that they’re missing the point! My recommendation of places to go and flaunt yourself to random people would be:
- public places like cinemas and parks
5. Heckle passing couples from your fortress of solitude
I live on the seventh floor of a student accommodation, so if there’s one thing it’s good for, it’s yelling to passers-by. If you find yourself feeling sad and alone on the night, just yell outside to passing couples about how the babies they make are gonna be so stupid. It’s highly satisfying.
6. Contemplate existentialism.
As a philosophy student this is 10/10 would recommend. Good ways to do so would be – go to your room, shut/lock the door, curl into a ball or fetal position (whichever you’re most comfortable with) and think about why we exist. Soon you’ll come to the realisation there’s no point to life and it generally gets easier from there.
7. Eat. Cry. Repeat. (Or do so at the same time)
And, if all the others fail, I recommend eating lots of ice cream and crying simultaneously, as it won’t remove the void in your life, but it will fill it with sugary goodness. And that’s all. You’re ready to go forth and brave the murky depths of being single on Valentines Day. Good luck, young grasshoppers!
If you have any other suggestsions, please leave them below and as always, if this post made you laugh, give it a like, and hit the follow button to be reminded every time I update! Have a really good Valentines day, whether you’re spending it with your partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/cats/alone/friends/vodka/etc, and I’ll see you all soon!
Lots of love,